Mother of the bride
Usually tradition is that the father of the bride gives the speech, but sometimes circumstances dictate or you’re the best person to give the speech…
Published 07 Sep 2023
The very nature of a recognised same-sex union may relieve you of some of the shackles of tradition – make the most of that, or follow the usual conventions: it’s up to you.
It’s basically about reading the room, and, as you will have invited your guests with your husband, you’ll know whether you want to go for outlandish or ‘safe’.
The first time I wrote a speech for a gay wedding, I was a last-minute best man replacement for a colleague I didn’t actually know terribly well. I committed the cardinal sin of not discussing tone with the happy couple and was overexcited, supposing that everything would be feather boas and innuendo. How wrong that was! Elderly relatives and a very dry family did not respond well and I was too nervous to ad lib, so I croaked my way through a slew of double entendres and ham-fisted gags as the tumbleweed passed.
“Nevermind,” is not what you want to hear after you’ve delivered a speech. Make sure you learn from my mistake!
Fast forward 20 years (and countless speeches later) to my own wedding, and my Groom’s Speech. I knew everyone wanted and expected outrageous humour, with no squeamish relatives to consider. My husband didn’t want to speak so it was all down to me, and we had a blast with it.
NUTS & BOLTS
Think about: Will it just be you, or will your husband want to speak as well? Do you want to do individual speeches, or perhaps a joint effort? Are you going to have one best man/woman or two? …same with parents. You may wish to rearrange the order, and maybe even have a break, if there are more speeches that usual. It may also mean you wish to scale back on times.
Think about: Dividing thanks, if doubling with your husband. Without giving your game away, at least make sure you’re not covering the same ground.
Think about: Long-distance travellers may deserve a mention, or others who have played a special role in your lives, but please don’t thank the paid help. Long lists are a turn off.
DOs & DON’Ts
Do:
Don’t:
*Top tip here: a couple of drinks for Dutch Courage is fine, but much more risks you slurring your words, losing your place and going over the top in your one moment to shine.
STRUCTURE
You might be a creative or a maverick and there’s no reason you can’t ‘shake it up’ but the usual speech design does its job well. Six to 12 minutes is optimum, so you there is not a lot of time for dead air and good editing will be crucial.
First married hello:
“My husband and I…” is something of a must and a guaranteed crowd pleaser
Umbrella Welcome:
Your family, friends, weather, venue and so on.
Thanksgiving:
Travelling friends
Anyone who’s gone the extra mile to be with you could be worthy of a shout out – but there is a line! Take four, maximum. Perhaps comparing them with a guest who lives down the road could get a smile – similarly comparing someone’s glamorous home to a, perhaps less exotic venue.
Absentees
Big names who can’t attend through circumstance, infirmity or death – not everyone who replied ‘with regret’. Revise the list with your fiancé, and don’t hang around on this, as it’s an easy road to shedding a tear – so no prolonged details. Breathe and move on to brighter things.
Brides(grooms)maids
Always beautiful and always performing their duties with aplomb. Individual names need not be listed, depending on your preference.
Pageboys/flower girls
As above, but probably best change to smart and charming/elegant and pretty.
Ushers
Frequently a chance to take an affectionate dig and your chums.
Best Man/Woman
Again, we’re often a touch more tongue-in-cheek here, but spend a little longer honouring your partner in crime – no life stories though, and end kindly.
Helpers in general
Time is short, so don’t thank paid help or list everyone who moved a table. There could be exceptions like an aunt who made the cake, for example. To cover those not specifically mentioned, this is perfectly acceptable: ‘and everyone else who helped make this day what it is’.
In-laws
They raised and had a hand in shaping the man you love. They’ve also welcomed you into their family. Anxious first meetings and subsequent progression is a good starter here.
Mum & Dad
They helped keep you alive up to now and it probably wasn’t always easy. Never a better time to publicly acknowledge their hard work, love and support.
Kids
Remind the children in your life (be they yours, his or joint), of what an important past they play in your combined lives.
Your husband:
The bit everyone’s waiting for. You can be funny, soppy or a little from Column A and a little from Column B. Explain to your guests how and why you fell in love and how he has improved your life and yourself. Think about the incredible qualities he has that make you respect and love him. Also, how thrilled you are to be facing the world as a married couple from today onwards.
TIMINGS
TONE
You have invited your guests and you know your crowd. Perhaps it’s a family event including elderly relatives you don’t want to offend, or maybe it’s a room full of people expecting Graham Norton. But your speech needs to be in your voice and fit the audience. One effective solution is two-tiered jokes, appealing on two levels. It’s usually the case that swearing and graphic references make people awkward, regardless.
There is also space for sentiment in your speech – it’s not all about the laughs. But to try to steer clear of anything that is too likely to get you choked up.
Obviously, your speechwriter will be on hand to help edit wording until you are happy.
DELIVERY
So, we have collaborated to craft you an ovation-earning speech and you are happy with what you have in front of you. But you aren’t entirely confident about how the punchlines are stressed and you are far from experienced in public-speaking. Practice makes perfect and we can run over it with coaching on speed of delivery, projection, and how to stress the humour and leave the pauses for a laugh, or a moment of serious impact every time. Also, we can help ensure you are comfortable with how to make the touching parts resound and how best to combine the different elements. You are unlikely to ever find such willing listeners ever again, so you need not be too nervous – but stage fright is always an issue. Jittery speakers often talk to quickly and anxious folk frequently turn to booze ease their troubled minds! Neither helps with coherency!
You should be less nervy if you have rehearsed again and again (and maybe softened the edges with a sherry or two 😉).
SO:
GOING BLANK
Whether you're the groom. bride, parent of the bride or best man, learn how to create an incredible speech that you created.
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